A post came on Facebook today that said “when I was a kid, I thought the moon followed the car everywhere”, which got me thinking about when I was a child.  I remember a time when I thought the clouds being blown by the wind, was the world spinning around…

I think I had a relatively good childhood, my Mum and Dad loved me and we weren’t abused, only my big brothers were sometimes threatened with the “big black belt” and one of my brothers often got sent to the kitchen to eat, for eating like a pig at the table.  My parents used to argue a lot and I hated that, so much and then Dad had to leave when I was 11, which devastated me.  After that we never saw Dad much and when we did we had to sit and wait for him outside the Orewa Trust Tavern, however I think I grew up relatively unscathed.

I didn’t like my mother’s boyfriend, he was abusive to my mother but she kept clinging on to him.  I can see now that because my mother was fostered, she had a need and didn’t deal with rejection, but at the time, I felt betrayed.  I didn’t understand why she would want him around when he was mean and nasty and caused her and me nothing but grief.  Everything happens for a reason.  When I became a mother, I promised my children never to put a man before them and to this day I do not believe I have.  My children will always come first.  Being a mother is my purpose.  There is nothing more important to me than rearing children to prepare them for their lives.  I am by no means perfect, as my children will tell you.  But I am here for them in a positive way, I am their comfort and their safe place, no matter where I may be.  I always, always have their backs even if they don’t think I do.  I know how children think.

I don’t do mean and nasty, I cannot see any need for that behaviour.  Because someone was abused as a child, it is no excuse for them too abuse going forward.  It is a choice!  The abused must choose to not abuse or the vicious cycle continues to destruct.  It is not okay!  Abuse damages.  It does.  Which brings me to the crux of the matter, which is mental health.  I am no expert but I have definitely had experience on this issue.  I was taken to Court by a sociopath who damaged his son.  I could see it a mile off.  The charming father who pretended he was a nice person while he manipulated and conjured up trouble to get what he wanted.  The truth always comes up and it makes my heart race just thinking about it.  The utter grief he caused, was unfathomable and I guess I am still dealing with it.  The aftershock of abuse, which was stressful to the  point that a despicable man was sent to prison for twelve months, it was a serious outcome for that which I was abused with.

People need to be kind to one another.  No one was ever damaged by kindness.  Kindness balances out the crap that is often dealt to us, and indeed, unless we had bad things happen, we wouldn’t know what was good either.  Abuse which damages leads to mental disorders.  If the abuse is not dealt with, it will destruct the inner self.  There is no two ways about it.  Abuse and trauma cause damage to the mental health.  Just the same as a knife will cut into your flesh.  My previous post looks at this, indepth.

So, what has to happen here?  Intensive therapy to bring up all the issues, even the hidden ones, which people sometimes block out to free the “demon” and deal with it.  Learn to accept it, and acknowledge that it may never go away completely, but accepting it and how to live with it.  Masking it with drugs and pretense is futile and will eventually rot the soul.  My Court abuse bought justice (of a kind) eventually, a man went to jail and the sociopath burnt all his own bridges which meant he could no longer cross the crevasse he created.

If you are someone that abuses, you need to take a good hard look at yourself, only you can’t can you because you think your illusion has us fooled?  Well then let me tell you this, your image of yourself is not what other people see, you are only fooling yourself.  To the world, you are something that sickens and disgusts.  The venom that exudes from your mouth is poison, and it is this, that you think makes you look like a man.  You clearly are no man.  Your bitterness is so deep you are enslaved to it and you hate yourself so much, that you have to take others down with you.  I pity your tormented soul, but I stay clear of it.  You may think you have won, but this is only the beginning.   Your dirty secret, has almost surfaced.  Truth, pure truth always reveals himself and then everyone around you will finally understand.

It is the sins of the fathers…and mothers that cause mental unwellness.  I could even go a little further to say, when the brain is developing in early childhood, it will form barriers and blockades to protect itself for its future.  I am no stranger to controversy, and I stand by what I say.  I have seen it many times, and experienced it.  The father/son relationship is often strained – it was in my family.  When fathers damage their sons and mothers damage their daughters and all the other ways this goes, it ends in “mental disorders” in a lot of cases.  We know that trauma damages also and people who experience traumatic events, need help to deal with it.  Correct me if I’m wrong.  I am open to that.  My children would tell you that I not open to that.  But I am…



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“Process”, we all do it, whether we want to or not.  At this very moment, I am sitting up in my bed writing this post about “process”.  I am finding it very difficult to process because there is a very noisy neighbour using his hedge trimmer and it is drumming loudly in my ears and reverberating through my house.  My body processes the hedge trimmer.  I can hear it, and feel it and I feel stressed out by it.  It is upsetting my senses – my peace and tranquility which make up my right to enjoy life…apparently.

I have discovered about myself that upon receiving disturbing information, I generally take three days to process that information to a point where it affects my well being.  When someone advises me of a death, I will be nonchalant initially and seemingly unaffected by the news.  To some, I may appear shallow or uncaring.  It is my bodies way of preparing itself for what is to follow.  When I cut myself deeply, I do not bleed immediately, sometimes it can take up to a minute and in that time you can see into the cut, see the white flesh and the layers of skin and all the while your mind, and body, is preparing to mend itself.

The physical and the mental are as important as each other and they work along side each to ensure that the other is okay.  Mind and body are one.  Just as our body can be cut, instantly, the mind kicks into action, telling the body what it should do, this also works vice versa.  When the mind is damaged, sometimes by repeat process and sometimes by instant trauma, the body kicks in to help repair the mind.  Physical signs such as shock, the body releases adrenaline which helps the mind to focus.

Your body scars after the cut and so indeed does the mind.  The scar can be a painful reminder of an incident and the mind will retain the memory, thereby maybe protecting the body from repeating the same action again.  Warning the body, that it needs to be aware and more cautious of sharp objects in the future.  They are looking out for each other.  “Hey mind, I have your back”, “yeah bro body, I got yours too!”

And so the process begins with denial through to acceptance, in the case of grief it doesn’t really end, one, simply put, is required to deal and struggle with the acceptance.  The five stages of the grief process are said to be, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  My denial lasts three days.  We get to know ourselves – our minds and our bodies and yet a lot of the time, we get stuck in a phase and we can’t move past it.  It is difficult and hard to bear, so we ignore it and deny it and so the healing process cannot continue.  If it were the body, perhaps it would be stuck in the scab stage and that scab would cling on and would not let go of the body for the new skin or scar tissue to evolve.  Yet when the wound does heal, you will notice that the scar tissue is not the same as normal skin, it is not as forgiving and does not stretch the same and so it is for the mind.  It does heal, but it is not the same.  If you were to cut yourself repeatedly in the same place, the wound would end up as a catastrophic mess and so too will your mind.

Drugs: Drugs can help mask the process.  They can dull the pain temporarily, however, we all know they do not treat the cause or the healing.  If you have shrapnel embedded under your skin, drugs will not remove it.  Clearly, surgery is needed to remove the problem.  Just as mental wound needs to be addressed.  The problem will not go away unless it is attended and dealt to.  Pain meds are likely to become ineffective as the body  begins to fight back against the alien within.  Pain meds come in many many different forms.  Alleviate and address the problem.  AA. – lets work together body and mind.  If it’s toxic – get rid of it

I have been through trauma many times in my life, as anyone my age probably would have been.  There are certain pressures that people just shouldn’t have to go through, and yet they do AND they come out the other side.  Scarred but in tact.  Writing is my release, it helps extremely, when my mind needs to move through a process.  We all need to find our release, and be brave enough to rip off the band aid and allow process.

There is not a great deal of happiness in life, which makes it so essential that you hold on to it while you can, treasure it and let it be the sanguineous crust (so much better than the word scab, when it truly is such miraculous healer) that transforms dead tissue into the new you.  Broken and scarred maybe, but whole, in a new way, all the same.  The body and the mind striving forward together, preparing itself for what comes next, ready for the next process that is life.  Accepting that you will be forever processing…

Some may live in hope.  I have learned not to.  Hope does not aid process.  When acceptance is always the healthy outcome, there you will find your happiness (which does not mean pure joy and does not mean you have a great big smiley face with tears flowing out of your eyes).  It is how it is today, my friend.  Please accept this day (not this rose), this day only and what it has to offer.  Process will do their thing (mind and body together) just go along with today’s ride and trust it is okay today.  You are a unique whole, each new day being it’s own book.  You can pick up and read yesterday’s book, but you can never re-live it, neither can you change the ending.  It has been written and published.  Tomorrow’s book is not yet written, so you can only write today’s.  You cannot read tomorrow’s book, can you?  Yesterday’s book is called “Depression” and tomorrow’s book will be called “Anxiety”.  What you title today’s book is up to you…



Epilogue: my neighbour is cutting hedges for my neighbours on either said of me, one has had recent bypass surgery, and the other was taken away in an ambulance two days ago and I still don’t know the outcome.  I will embrace the unpleasant noise because it is not about me.  I am lucky, I can hear…still.



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My very core is “justice”

It is my essence.  The one thing that stuck with me throughout my childhood, wasn’t the fun I had with my bestie, although that is standout.  It wasn’t my parents divorcing, although that was life changing and traumatic.  It was the injustice I felt over Arthur Allan Thomas.  Even as a young girl, I did not believe he did it.

Funnily enough, when I was a victim of crime, and over a year later had to appear in court as a witness to that crime, I was moved from my room  beside the court room to a room further away from the Court room so I couldn’t hear what was being said in that court room.  In my room further away from the court room, there was a newspaper, about Arthur Allan Thomas and the affects his incarceration and conviction had had on his daughter Rochelle.  Rochelle was left, as a baby, in her cot, while her parents had been murdered and until the murder was discovered.  She was roughly the same as myself and maybe it was this, that gave me connection to this particular crime, but I don’t believe so.

When Arthur was pardoned in December 1979, I felt the injustice.  I really felt the injustice.  I was 9 years old.  Throughout my life, I always imagined how terrible it would be to be falsely accused.  It was like some bizarre premonition of an experience that I was bound to.  When someone has sworn in an affidavit, to an event that did not happen, and believed by the Courts, by judges and by lawyers including (for the child), I was right there in that place of false accusation.  It wasn’t murder, but it was perjury.  I was told by Police that perjury is right up there with murder.  Yet my guy wasn’t charged with perjury, he was charged with falsifying a document for pecuniary gain.  Perjury (lying to the court), it appears is too big for Police to handle, or the courts for that matter.

So Arthur Allan Thomas was pardoned because “a Royal Commission of Inquiry was established, headed by retired New South Wales Justice Robert Taylor. It declared Thomas to have been wrongfully charged and convicted and found that among other improprieties, police had planted a .22 rifle cartridge case in the garden of the house in which the murders were committed. The case was found four months and ten days after the area had already been subjected to one of the most intensive police searches ever undertaken. The cartridge case was said to have come from a rifle belonging to Thomas. However, the police tested only 64 rifles in an area where this weapon was common and found that two, including the one belonging to Thomas – could have fired the cartridge case found in the garden. That was the link to the deaths of the Crewes although it was later admitted that the case was “clean” and uncorroded when it was found. As such, the condition of the case was inconsistent with having lain in the garden, exposed to weather and dirt for more than four months.”, ..but there was

“No action against police officers”

The commission report said: “Mr Hutton and Mr [Len] Johnston planted the shell case… and they did so to manufacture evidence that Mr Thomas’ rifle had been used for the killings.” The Solicitor-General recommended against prosecuting the officers because of insufficient evidence. Both officers have since died.”  Death is convenient, isn’t it Grace Haden?

I know what it is like to have someone plant evidence, that person, Michael Downey, was not a police officer.  He was, in fact, a dirty low life lying, stealing criminal.  Yet he turned the entire legal system against me.  The deep dark journey that is perjury (in no uncertain terms), is hell itself.  It is so evil that there are not words enough to describe it.  A judge ruled I evaded service which was seen as despicable and that is how the court viewed me.  The truth was, a scum bag lied and that placed me in that illusion.  His delusion was seen as truth.  The beautiful truth is that Truth always shows up, sometimes however, it takes long.

When Police lie, that’s a whole new kettle… the gut wrenching thing for me, is I know it.  I have “shaken hands” with a certain Inspector whose “grip” I would liken to squeezing a mashed banana.  He treated me like a criminal.  My very essence is justice and obtaining justice for those who seek it.  I saw, with blinding vision, that if I were to become a Police officer,  my passion would be fulfilled…

al pic


Quotes from Wikipedia



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why not?

“No court has had the opportunity to evaluate the conduct of the Police.”

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Empathy (the ode kind)

I put on a different pair of shoes today

they were, heavily scuffed on the inside heal

I wanted to know how they would feel

they were too big, I was scared and didn’t know if I could be in them.

I walked around the bustling town…

Two sun kissed girls walked by me, whispering and laughing

The summer day was almost too hot to bear,

I wiped my brow, sweat stinging my unclear complexion

I dragged my feet, my head was down

I wished my Mum was still around

She loved me, no matter how I looked

Nobody else does

I am alone with no-one to care, sometimes they stare.

Do you know who I am?

If you only smiled, it would make my day

But I think I shall just fade away

Back in the cool of my old run down house

I slipped out of the shoes

I walked back into town.

I saw the guy who scuffed his heals, with a spotty face

and I smiled and said hello

that was ten years ago today

Did he pass away, or did he live another day?

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Here is a word that may be on your lips, or it may be something you have never thought about.  Is “empathy” a chemical reaction, an emotion, or is it simply learned behaviour?  I’m not an expert, however I consider it to be a mix of all three. Let us start by looking at the word:


How often does the average person practice empathy?  I have perhaps answered my own question in the preceding sentence.  Let’s suppose that the ability to understand empathy is to practice it.

I have written extensively on New Zealand’s “justice” system and have come to a firm conclusion that this is perhaps the key to major change within it.  At the outset of proceedings against me, I was attacked and lied about by way of abusive litigation.  It was my understanding that litigation was a last resort.  However, I have witnessed that those utilising the family court system are not using it as a last resort, they are straight in just like Flynn.  Are lawyers advising alternative methods, other than litigation to resolve disputes or are disgruntled rich people using the Courts as a means of silence and a means to get what they want?

Put yourself in my shoes.  Picture this: I was at home with my then four year old son, making biscuits and cake for my other four children for when they came home from school, when there was a knock at my sliding door.  It was Mike Downey (criminal “document server”), who did actually serve the documents on me, on that occasion and WHAM my world changed. Brutal and insidious family court litigation attacked me!

There was no letter from the applicants lawyers suggesting resolve through mediation, there was no request whatsoever to see my son.  Litigation was the very first action.  The way I look at it, if I wanted to see a family member whom I had fallen out with, my first step would be a telephone call or a letter requesting to meet, from there I would wait a little, then I would try again.  By no means would I slanderously attack a person and expect resolve.  In short, in that regard the outcome was what they deserved.  Nothing!

Life has its way of dealing with bad decisions.  I have learned that the hard way.  The harsh reality is that I NEVER want to be involved with the New Zealand “Family” Court system ever again!  Until, it is an empathetic system which seeks “fairness” over legalities, it is never going to be a good or just system.  It is unfortunate that money, rather than common sense, rules New Zealand’s Family Court.    Perhaps we need to go to the outcome to determine the proceedings.  For example what is the desired outcome for both parties and work backward from there.  A simple explanation of how each party feels may provide a feeling of empathy, unless of course one party is sociopathic, and in  actual proven fact, does not have the ability to impart empathy.  Perhaps more than any other practice on the planet, we start by returning to the practice and every day teaching of empathy… just a thought.

I do not believe that Court is the institution for resolving “family” matters.  The court system is ludicrously expensive and is no way conducive to ordinary family life.



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Vivienne Holm wants a practicing certificate – Really?

“Vivienne Holm seeks a new practicing certificate

vivienne-holmYesterday I was approached by Net safe , who on behalf of Vivienne Holm sought changes to  former  blog posts  because Vivienne after holding a practicing certificate for  the past 10 years suddenly cant get one because of  something that was written   many years ago . Vivienne   is seeking  changes to the blog.   We are happy to make corrections  but  there is nothing to correct .   we are interested however in  addressing   injustices  and  if she feels that the comment   is an injustice then she can assit in correcting a far greater injustice  before we  look at the perception she has of tiny little one .

Summary  of Blogs which mention Vivienne

About AWINZ – Animal welfare institute of New Zealand  see also my affidavit

Intimidation by Vivienne HOLM ( Vivienne Parre ) ( Vivienne Wright )

Talking Works Tom Didovich!

How could A non existent private law enforcement authority survive for so long? Why condone corruption in Waitakere City?

Open letter to Wyn Hoadley councillor TCDC

Did David Neutze check the facts before he acted?

Is Wyn Hoadley fit to be a Lawyer, A trustee or a councillor?

How to get your litigation funded through the public purse

More submissions

The following is my response to Net safe  ,  The fact that Vivienne  and Malcolm North who has been  harassing me,   both worked at the ministry of social development   is a fact that is not  lost on me .

….Thank you net safe 

The animal welfare Institute of New Zealand (AWINZ )  had law enforcement powers  which it obtained after  an application was made   to the then  minister  of agriculture on 22 November 1999 .

A blank trust deed  had been attached to the application made by Neil Edward wells a barrister .

In reality ,No trust existed  and  no entity existed but the government  gave  AWINZ wide sweeping law enforcement powers akin to those held by the RNZSPCA, which includes search and seizure and ability to  fine people .

Neil Wells who applied on behalf of AWINZ had written the   no 1 bill for the  new Animal welfare act  and had inserted the  sections to  facilitate the application he subsequently made   and  he  also advised on  the act  as “independent advisor” to the select committee without declaring his obvious conflict of interest of writing an act  to facilitate his own business plan

In March 2006  an  employee  of Waitakere city council   Lynne McDonald ( the bird lady ) approached me with the concern that she, a dog control officer,  was required to  “ volunteer “ her council paid time to AWINZ and prioritise animal welfare over   dog control . The building at  the council  had been   rebranded   and  Neil wells her council manager from 2005  was the only person operating AWINZ   for which he used a logo which was  identical to the new branding of the council building .

Maf at the time of an audit acknowledged that the two   entities appeared to  merge and it was difficult to see where  one   began and the other finished.  The council on the other  hand denied that AWINZ operated from their premises . This  was  in reality a massive public fraud  using   public office for private pecuniary gain.

To prove that AWINZ  did not exist  several of us incorporated the name Animal Welfare institute of New Zealand  .It is impossible to incorporate the  identical name of  an entity, we were successful  there by conclusively proving that  AWINZ  the law enforcement authority did not exist .

Vivienne Holm @ Vivienne Parr @ Vivienne Wright   Phoned me late at night and made threats  against my Private investigators licence  and there by my income and livelihood.  She demanded that we had to give up the name AWINZ  when intimidation did not work Her then husband  Nick wright then   took over the matter  as Vivienne at the time  was working as a law clerk .

I called at her address to discuss a resolution and was promptly served with a trespass notice.

Now it has always puzzled me   why a Law clerk was instructed , surely that is not usual  and  why was her   first port of call  be an intimidating phone call late on a Friday night .. I thought that  a legitmaley instructed   person would use more transparent means  rather than acting like a thug.

After her husband  , a resource management lawyer  , became involved Threats of legal action were made  and out of the blue a trust deed materialised.

I was to find that the trust deed  dated 1.3.2000   had been signed when the  then dog control manager at Waitakere city council, Tom Didovich  visited the   various people who thought they were trustees.

However  they never met  never passed a resolution and certainly were not involved in the application  for the  “ approved organisation’  under section 121 of the animal welfare act  ( which Neil wells had had such a massive part in ), the trust they  were allegedly involved in held no assets  and  after  three years the trustees who  still had not met  were not reappointed, hence this was a totally sham trust

Nick Wright took me to court for defamation ,  for saying that AWINZ was a sham trust, which it was  and has proved to be . The defamation was allegedly of Neil Wells  , I was denied the right  to a  statutory defence of truth and honest opinion and no finding has ever been made that I defamed Neil wells  but I had to pay  some $100,000 to him and his  lawyer  all   for  being a whistle-blower on serious corruption .

This  went on for  some 10 years  the object was to bankrupt me . Neil wells in an email to MAF in 2007    said that this was his objective , he certainly tried hard enough

Nick wright  who is reputedly the “Auckland lawyer who had “fallen on hard times”( has  ceased practicing   and Brookfields continued  their attack on me, I can only guess that if they had done the decent thing they  would have seen some notable  lawyers  struck off  for not checking the facts  before  filing matters in court and using their office contrary to the provisions of the Lawyers and conveyancers rules .

In the process of suing me they used dirty  tactics because  facts and evidence would not have won it for them . I have reason to believe that that  also worked  covertly on my marriage and ensured that  my 23 years marriage and my family was destroyed.   The lawyer who represented me was later found to be incompetent  and I  very much suspect he was working for the other side . So I lost ,  no way of winning when you have  a lawyer who the law society acknowledged as being incompetent and for whom judges had no respect .

All in all this created a massive miscarriage of justice   and one which I physically paid out well  over $300,000  for and   find it impossible to quantify the lost   hours of work, health    stress etc.

Brookfields, on  behalf of whom Vivienne Wright at the time,(previously Vivienne  Parr   now Vivienne Holm)  , took instructions from the fictional AWINZ  tried to liquidate my company and succeeded    until I found out that they  had  filed a false affidavit of service  and the whole thing was reversed.

So now 10 years  down the track and after having held  many  practicing certificates Vivienne  wants a different type of practicing certificate   because she is going to work  for Paul Cavanagh  who   retired exactly a year ago  .

Vivienne “ believes “   that she   already had her application in .  I am sure that she did not.( this is based on my concurrent records  )

I believe that  my post is   totally accurate  and that the fact  of   the date of her application for a  practicing certificate is   just a teensy weensy  bit  trivial compared to the  years of suffering which I and my family  have had to endure.

The good news is that I am happy to  work with  any one  who helps put things right . When the AWINZ matter has been addressed  and is history I can take down all the posts  but while the injustice   exists it requires exposure  of the fact  and   the facts will remain in the public realm

I cannot understand why she claims that  she   cannot get a practicing certificate on this occasion   , the  email you sent is dated 19 September 2016    and states that she  has held a practicing certificate  from April 2015 to the present .

Practicing certificates  renew at the end of June ,  The law society have just informed me that she does not currently hold a  practicing certificate, her last one expired 25 November  2016, it appears that that is the date when she left the MSD

My internet search reveals that  Paul Cavanagh QC  retired a year ago .

It would appear that Vivienne Holm  now wants to work in public practice again , as such she will  become an officer of the high court   and according to section 4 of the  Lawyers and conveyancers act will  have an  obligation to uphold the rule of law and to facilitate the administration of justice in New Zealand:

She may  wish to  help address the  AWINZ injustice ,  once that  has been sorted I can look at removing / altering  blogs .

I do find it amusing perhaps coincidental perhaps not , that  she was  employed by MSD   until 25 November where Malcolm North  who has been harassing me, by email   also works.

But getting back to Vivienne    I am happy to   remove  anything minor when  a greater injustice has been resolved, she only needs to contact me  and help me    right the wrongs  of the past  that she was instrumental in in  kicking off .      A person with integrity   would  see  that an as officer of the court  Vivienne  would  have an overriding obligation  to  justice  and if she cannot how integrity in   putting the past right  then she should not be asking me  to change factual information .

In the interest of transparency  I will be publishing this on

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